Oh, shit. Hey. Hey. What's... What's this all about?
Hey. Whoa. This is about Randall, isn't it?
Randall Graves? I could take you to him.
Seriously, I can.
Listen, guys, I'm not even supposed to be here today.
One out of twelve. One out of twelve.
- Gun. - Stand-by,
suspects operating illegal marijuana dispensary
inside baked chicken sandwich store.
I love this shit.
I finally get to arrest these motherfuckers.
All right, you motherfuckers.
I know you're in there. Come out right now.
- Yeah. - Woo.
This is the Leonardo Police Department.
You're under arrest
for suspicion of drug trafficking.
Drop your plants now.
I said drop the motherfucking plants!
I'm the boss. He did what the fuck I said.
What the... I said plants, not pants.
- There's nothing there, man. - That is a white dude.
- What the fuck do you expect? - There's nothing there!
What the fuck, Sarge?
This son of a bitch doesn't have a dick.
He's got a fucking dick. He just got it tucked in.
All right, Buffalo Bill.
Where's your buddy? Mr. Silence of the Lambs.
Identify yourselves, motherfuckers!
I'm Jay and this is my hetero lifemate, Silent Bob.
♪ Good-bye horses ♪
♪ I'm flying, flying, Flying over you ♪
Home sweet home, right?
Everyone say, "Yay, it's Jay and Silent Bob."
- Well, just look at you two. - Who the fuck are you?
I'm your lawyer. That's who the fuck I am.
Did anybody ever tell you how a courtroom works?
Okay. In the criminal justice system,
the people are represented by two separate
yet equally important groups.
Dude, we've seen all the Law & Orders.
Oh, me too. Dick Wolf is a genius.
I just love all of his shows so much.
In fact, my Grindr name is Dick Wolfer. Remember that.
Oh, I almost forgot. Before I represent you,
I'm gonna need you to sign these legal documents.
What? Read it first?
I mean, come on. Who cares what that shit says?
Just sign it.
Yeah.
I can't believe that worked. Well, perfection.
I hope you're both prepared to go home today,
because I am the best lawyer in showbiz.
Seriously, I'm like the Dick Wolf
of getting guys off with my mouth.
But that's why you hired me, am I right? Or am I wrong?
But we didn't hire you.
- Small formality. - All rise.
Thank you. Be seated.
Docket number 37, People v. Jay and Silent Bob.
Jay and Silent Bob are back?
Charges are drug trafficking
and running an illegal drug dispensary
disguised as a chicken sandwich shop called...
...Cock Smoker.
Hello, boys.
If you two are here, it must be a weekday,
but this isn't a court appointed attorney.
I spy one of those lawyers you have to pay.
How do your clients plead, Counselor?
Not guilty, Your Honor.
I guess the weed grew itself.
People on bail?
Hey, Jerry.
- How you doing? - So we the people would hope
that Your Highness would remand custody.
Cool?
And I imagine you see it all differently, Counselor?
The Cock Smoker was neither
eatery nor dispensary, Your Honor.
It was merely a promotional pop-up shop.
This affidavit is from a Hollywood
motion picture company and this proves that my clients
were nothing more than paid performers
for a real world promotional stunt
in support of a forthcoming movie.
- We are? - Yes.
We are.
So I ask that all charges be dropped since my clients
- are so obviously innocent. - Easy.
They may be obvious but one thing I would not call
these two is innocent.
But for today, at least, they are not guilty.
Jay and Silent Bob, you're free to go.
Case dismissed.
Holy shit. What the fuck just happened?
I set you free, butterflies, as promised.
Remember Dick Wolfer on Grindr.
Docket number 38,
Hollywood motion picture company v. Jay and Silent Bob.
Who's here representing Hollywood?
I am, Your Honor.
What are you doing?
This is only my second case of the day
and to tell you the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth...
...I already need a fucking drink. Jesus.
Can we get this going, Counselor?
As you can see, I have a ton of cases
that we need to get through today.
Absolutely, Your Honor.
Your Honor, my client, Saban Films,
is seeking an injunction against the defendants
for copyright infringement
of the trademarked intellectual property Jay and Silent Bob.
Yo, this guy's lying, Your Honor.
Me and Silent Bob don't own any property.
We've never been intellectual about anything.
Have your mouth take a knee.
Saban Films.
Didn't they make the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers?
Oh, man. You ever see the one where the red ranger
turns into the gold ranger?
- Dope. - That was years ago, Your Honor.
Now they're more of a multimedia company.
Oh. Does the multimedia combine into a giant Megazord?
Oh, shit.
- ♪ Go, Power Rangers ♪ - Deep cuts, Your Honor.
Anyhoo, last year, Saban Films acquired worldwide rights
to the campy old Bluntman and Chronic movie
- for about $3,700 on Craigslist. - They overpaid.
So, now, all the underlying rights belong to my client,
including, not only the titular characters,
but their supporting secret identities as well,
the registered trademarks of Jay and Silent Bob.
Ergo, Your Honor, Saban Films owns their names.
What?
I said Saban Films owns your names.
Is there any paperwork to back up a claim this wild, Counselor?
Oh, yes, Your Honor.
I present contracts signed by the defendants
giving Saban Films total discretionary control
over the names Jay and Silent Bob.
That's the paper we just signed?
Will the defendants please rise?
Oh, shit. We're the defendants?
This document confirms that Saban Films does indeed own
the 2001 movie Bluntman and Chronic.
What? That old ass star-studded piece of shit?
That movie sucked balls.
Not just balls. It sucked asshole too.
Your Honor, I object.
I'll allow it. That movie did suck balls and asshole.
Jay and Silent Bob, you are hereby legally prohibited
from calling yourselves Jay and Silent Bob ever again.
You're out of order! You're out of order!
This whole fucking court's out of order!
Somebody wants an Oscar.
Why'd you move your store to the mall?
Because apparently, I wanted to be alone...
Snoogans.
Nah, rent's just cheaper here,
on account of the mall is slowly dying.
The old girl's on her last legs, boys.
So much so that you got to watch out for all the mall rats.
I... I didn't see any kids here.
No, I mean the actual rats we got running around
this abandoned shithole of a mall.
Hit the deck, boys.
Let me get this straight...
you guys got busted for running an illegal pot shop
inside a fake chicken sandwich store
and the Hollywood lawyer you didn't hire got you off,
but then he somehow stole your names?
And then the cops stole the weed we were working out for years.
And all we got left from the best bud in the world
are these three joints right here
made from the flower of one of the three strains of gold.
Huh. I knew you guys were weed dealers,
but I never knew you were weed growers.
Oh, we learned to grow
from watching our favorite movie of all time,
How High with Method and Redman.
They're like the black Jay and Silent Bob.
Holy shit. You guys still rent DVDs?
Never heard of Netflix and chill?
One time we Hulu and humped, right?
But most nights, we Redbox and jerk off.
So, how are you feeling about being busted?
♪ The car to drive What to drink ♪
♪ Ignorant bliss No need to think ♪
♪ As Barb cakes fetus On her face ♪
♪ Ken sucks blood At his workplace... ♪
♪ They take from me... ♪
LOL.
And on top of that, the judge told us
we weren't even legally allowed
to be Jay and Silent Bob no more,
because our names were bought by some assholes from Sbarro films.
- You mean Sbarro's? - Yeah, those pizza-making fucks!
All because of some stupid movie that was made 20 years ago.
It's like, "Come on already, move on.
The dishes are done, man."
Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead.
- A Keith Coogan classic. - Snoogans.
Well, you know, fellas, I think your legal woes
have less to do with the stupid old movie
that came out 20 years ago,
and more to do with the stupid new movie that's coming soon
to a theater near you.
Oh, come on.
Don't tell me you guys have no idea
there's a new comic book movie being made
of the old comic book movie you two are the basis for.
What, again?
And look, they took away my dick and made me a girl.
I cannot believe they're gonna remake this Bluntman bullshit.
Uh, it's not a remake, it's a reboot.
What the fuck is a reboot?
Well, a reboot, boys,
is when Hollywood wants to make a lot of money
without the hassle of creating a new movie,
so they take an old movie and change just enough
to make you pay for the same shit all over again.
- Those greedy fucking animals. - Oh, it's insidious.
They take a flick you loved as a kid
and add youth and diversity to it.
For example, name the movie where a robot has secret plans
that could help the good guys beat the bad guys
and their leader in a black mask
by blowing up a giant ray gun in space.
- Star Wars. - No. The Force Awakens.
See, now, that's what you call a reboot. Nang.
I thought that was a sequel.
Hollywood doesn't make sequels anymore.
Shit, they don't even make squeakquels, yo.
Studios have given up on new ideas entirely
in favor of building multi-movie universes
that breed brand-loyal customers from cradle to grave.
So if you like Harry Potter, cashinigus,
you're getting ten fucking more.
You like The Fast and Furious flicks,
we're gonna drive the franchise into the ground, bitch.
Ooh, you want another Marvel movie, here we go.
Hey, man, those Marvel movies are a triumph of cinema.
I live on those Marvel movies. I live for those Marvel movies.
I watch those Marvel movies more than I watch Pornhub,
and I cum twice as hard doing it.
- Dishes are done, man. - Look, all I'm saying is,
if Hollywood doesn't start making some original flicks now,
there's not gonna be anything to be reboot in ten years,
then they'll just be rebooting the reboots.
It's like we're reaching point break for pop culture,
and it ain't gonna be the good Point Break
with Swayz-dog and Keanu. It's gonna be the remake.
Wait. What's the difference between a reboot and a remake?
Well, I'm glad you asked, Jay,
because a remake is like a reboot where the studio
doesn't care how the audience feels about the original movie,
so, they just keep the title, fuck up everything else,
and ruin both flicks in the process, see?
Which is probably what Bluntman v Chronic is gonna be,
because the director of this impending abortion of cinema
is none other than Kevin fucking Smith.
- Who? - You know, the guy who directed
that Bruce Willis winner, Cop Out.
That queef.
They still let him make movies after that walrus shit?
What can I tell you, in Hollywood,
people fail upwards.
I fucking hate stupid Kevin Smith,
first, he took away our names, then he took away my dick.
Well, we gotta stop stupid Kevin Smith
from making another shitty movie
about Jay and Silent Bob ever again.
Well, then, youse guys better get your asses to Chronic-Con.
- And what the fuck is this shit? - Chronic-Con,
when it started out, it was a homegrown fanfest for people
who love that campy old Bluntman and Chronic movie
with Jason Biggs and James Van Der Beek.
Those guys, I saw them bitches get beat up by a monkey.
But now, Chronic-Con's morphed
into an annual pop culture convention.
I don't know how you guys would even get in at this point.
Tickets are already sold-out.
Sold-out? After all these years, what kind of broken fucks
still wanna watch this Jay and Silent Bob bullshit anyway?
Well, enough to run an Omaze auction
for a cameo in the reboot.
Hey, man, it's me, Kevin Smith.
You know, the filmmaker...
Look at this ugly motherfucker, probably got a tiny dick too.
Now, I got some big news for you, man,
we are shooting a key sequence to Bluntman v Chronic
at this year's Chronic-Con, man.
This scene is so important.
We cannot finish this movie without it.
So enter right now and maybe I'll see you
this Friday in Hollywood.
Would you fucking stop?
Dick.
Hollywood, where we struck back, yo.
Oh, you will never find a more wretched hive
of scum and villainy.
But that “director” just said they couldn't finish the movie
without the scene they're shooting at this Chronic-Con.
So all we got to do is get to Hollywood,
stop him from shooting that scene and biggity bam,
Kevin James can't finish the movie.
Ke... Never mind.
We got three days to get to Chronic-Con,
take our names back, rescue my dick from Kevin James
and stop this reboot from ever happening.
Come on, Silent Bob, we're going back to Hollywood.
And on that note, we cue the music.
Have a great flight.
Hi, there. Welcome to Southbest Airlines.
How can I help y'all?
“Y'all”? What kind of Jersey accent is that?
I'm from South Jersey.
Now, what can I do for y'all?
Two tickets to Hollywood.
In coach, I'm assuming.
That'll be 337 a piece, boys.
Oh.
How about we start with y'all's names?
I am Don Juan Dela Nooch.
And this is Senor Roberto Silencio.
Those names sound kind of made-up.
Listen, lady, our real names are Jay and Silent Bob,
- but this morning... - Yeah.
...Kevin James, The King of fucking Queens,
stole those names.
I can't book y'all under your fake names,
so why don't I try Jay and Silent Bob,
which also sound like fake names, I might add.
Ooh, sorry, boys,
but it says here that you got a wait problem.
- Weight problem? - Mm-hmm.
Are you saying he's still too fat to fly?
Are you fucking blind as Anne Frank?
Silent Bob lost a bunch of weight, lady.
He went all vegan and shit, eating that v-gina.
- That's not right. - I used to call him lunch box,
but now I have to call him snack pack.
I used to say, "Fly, fat ass. Fly."
Now I have to say, "Fly, low-fat ass. Fly."
Let me make something straight here,
I said, "Wait problem."
And the... problem is that y'all can't fly,
because ya are on the No-Fly List.
There is something here about a terrorist organization
- called The Clit. - The Clit's not real.
Says every guy I ever dated.
I'm sorry, but y'all can't fly,
because y'all are on the No-Fly List,
but you know what you could do,
maybe you could Ride Me Now instead.
Ride you now?
Ride Me Now is a ride-share app.
So you just do one click
and Ride Me Now will send you a car
and that car will take y'all wherever y'all wanna go.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Well then, fuck your planes, Joline.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Go fuck yourself.
The app needs a credit card? Dude, what are we gonna do?
You know what you do, you go fuck yourself,
that's what you do.
No. You listen to me, you call center Khalifa,
the dummy at the counter couldn't find my reservation,
that's why you're gonna find my reservation
or I'm gonna have the both of you fired.
Someone should teach that motherfucker a lesson.
All right. I'm gonna give you the credit card number again.
I'm gonna read it so slowly
and out loud in public so that you will understand.
All right. The name is Ted Underhill.
Not Ed, Ted.
T... T... T... T.
And the number is nine...
five...
eight...
four...
Ted Underhill?
Yo, I'm Ted motherfucking Underhill.
Wait. You wanna smoke one of those unicorns now?
Dude, we only got three left, man.
And after we smoke them, they're gone forever.
Let's save them for a special occasion.
I say we smoke this little bitch.
Ooh.
Oh, come on, man. I roll a perfect Silent Bob
and you're pissed about it?
This motherfucker belongs in a museum, son.
Light it up.
I'm almost glad you guys are smoking back there.
I was driving someone about a week ago
and he took a, uh, big shit in the back seat.
I had no idea until the next passenger found it.
It was everywhere.
You have no idea how hard it is
to get the smell of shit out of pleather.
I mean, it just stays there, really, it's like a ghost.
You guys are my first two passengers since that big shit.
I'm your driver by the way, Todd Merkinsky.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, Merkinsky. I will call you Merkin.
Todd would be better.
Why does your car smell like French fries, Merkin?
Because in my car, guess what I have instead of gum,
I have tater tots. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.
You got tater tots up in this bitch,
where you'd get them?
Well, I'm a businessman, an entrepreneur,
and, uh, I had a business idea, teen girls love tater tots.
So I came up with Hater Totz.
Got a little, uh, quiz on there,
you know, is your BFF really the bezt
and it's kind of like a, I don't know,
TigerBeat on a box of tater tots.
And those tween girls,
they still love that TigerBeat, right?
Right?
I'm wrong. I was very wrong.
Hater Totz means different things to different people.
What do I mean by that?
Well, Hater Totz started attracting a customer base
I never wanted or asked for...
white nationalists.
Can you believe it? How did they even hear about it?
So, I shut down. I just declared bankruptcy and now, well...
I serve these leftover tater tots to all my riders,
F-O-C, free of charge.
Take as many tater tots as you want,
eat all the tater tots you take.
By the way, I don't know if my app is wrong,
but, uh, it says here you're supposed to go to Hollywood?
All right. That's very, very far. I'll make you a deal.
I'll drive you all the way to Hollywood, California.
You give me a big tip and some amazing feedback.
Deal-io Emilio. Now, drive, Miss Daisy. Drive.
All right. Here we go. Hollywood.
Hi. Remember me?
I'm Loki, the Angel of Death from Dogma.
Now, if your kids are looking at you right now like,
"That's not Tom Hiddleston,"
just tell them I was Loki in the '90s, before it was cool.
And I did it without the fake British accent.
Anyway, for 20 years now people ask,
"What happened to Loki at the end of Dogma?
Did he go to hell?”
Heavens no.
Pun intended. But I did almost unmake existence,
so as punishment, God, who looks exactly like Alanis Morissette,
banished me to life on earth again,
but not Wisconsin this time. Thank, Christ. No.
God dropped me in the Mediterranean Sea
where I was rescued by Italian fisherman.
I didn't even know who I was anymore.
I had total amnesia.
So, after the events of Dogma,
I guess you could say I was born again.
And what you're looking at now is...
wait for it, my reborn identity.
Oh, shit. Pun game on point.
You just got touched by an angel, son.
Anyway, after driving for half a day,
Jay and Silent Bob stopped in Chicago,
where their lives would change forever.
♪ You better be ready Without that trumpet sound ♪
♪ I know I'm the type To sneak around n play around ♪
♪ Be ready ♪
♪ Because we're moving on That town no more ♪
♪ Into Babylon we roam You better be ready... ♪
Oh, yeah. Cha-cha-cha-cha. Nice driving, Merkin.
Oh, thanks, Misters Underhill.
To be honest, I'm glad you wanted to stop.
No offense, but, uh, your cigarettes are kind of strong.
We ain't smoking cigarettes, we smoking that weed.
You're smoking marijuana?
Ah, wow.
You guys are so brave.
I'm always scared to be busted by the cops,
so I've never tried weed my entire life.
♪ Let's get together Make the locals stronger... ♪
What? Wait a second. Wait... No. You wanna give him one of those?
You just heard the man, he's never smoked in his life
and you wanna bust his green cherry
with one of our last strains of gold we have left?
Dude, what are you thinking, bro?
Oh, Jersey Local 404.
Jersey makes, the whole world bakes.
We feed every need for weed, son.
Merkin, this is gonna change your life.
Change it.
♪ I reach to find Though have no return ♪
- ♪ The liberation of my people ♪ - There you go, boss.
♪ Is my main concern ♪
♪ Only if we come together... ♪
- Yeah. - ♪ M-o-o-b-y-s ♪
♪ M-o-o-b-y-s ♪
Fuck me up the vegan ass. I'm gonna get my cow tipper on.
♪ Mooby's is the best Yes ♪
♪ Mom and Dad Let's go to Mooby's ♪
♪ Right now! ♪
♪ I want Mooby Mooby in my mouth Go, go, go ♪
♪ I have Mooby Mooby In my mouth ♪
♪ He fills me up with meat... ♪
Mr. Underhill.
Mr. Underhill. Mr. Underhill.
♪ ...down South ♪
♪ So, Master Mooby You're the boss... ♪
Welcome to Moo-by's.
What are you in the moo-d for today?
Let me get one of those Moo-ilk shakes
and a cow tipper with fries.
And, oh, let me get one of those fur burgers Brazilian style
for our chauffer outside.
Cool.
What? You want me to order for you?
I don't want your v-gina touching my burgers.
Come on, dude. That's why you don't get laid, sir,
because women love meat in their mouth,
and you ain't nothing but a broccoli bitch.
So, if you wanna order your healthy veggies,
open your mouth, do it yourself. I'm gonna go drop a deuce.
You in the moo-d for anything else?
Uh-uh.
You did not just offer me your old man dick.
Okay. Fine. Whip it out. Come on. Just whip it out.
- Ms. McKenzie! - What the fuck is going on here?
This old fool just egg-planted me.
Uh, I'm 47 and I have no idea what that means.
Now this dirty old assfuck's in here
trying to show us his dirty old-ass dick, Ms. McKenzie,
so bust his ass.
Okay, sir. You're gonna have to come with me.
This way.
Congratulations, Flappy. You deserve it.
And now with the forecast, here's News 10's meteorologist,
Justice Falcon.
What's the weather going to be tomorrow?
We are gonna get so much rain,
I'm getting wet just thinking about it.
Justice?
♪ You should have seen By the look in my eyes, baby ♪
♪ There was something missing ♪
♪ And I meant Every word I said ♪
♪ When I said that I loved you ♪
♪ I meant that I'd love you Forever ♪
♪ And I'm gonna keep on Loving you ♪
♪ 'Cause it's the only thing I wanna do ♪
♪ I don't wanna sleep ♪
♪ I just wanna Keep on loving you ♪
Holy shit, Silent Bob. Look, it's my long-lost ex-girlfriend,
Boo Boo Kitty Fuck.
Oh, shit. Is he having a stroke?
Yo, Mary, I used to knock boots
with the weather lady, all right?
So I'm gonna go find her
and I'm gonna give her a warm front
with a possible low of 69. Snoogans.
You want a burger for lunch?
Uh, no thanks. I just ate some vegan.
Yummy, yummy, yummy.
Holy shit, Merkin's gone.
That entrepreneurial fuck.
Ooh, and your dumbass gave him
one of the last three strains of gold we had left.
Let's write him a nasty review.
Type this shit,
"Oh, motherfucker, you're gonna pay.
You are the one who is the Hater Tot.
Fuck your frozen food dreams.
Do you even know what a merkin is?
It is a pube toupee.
So why don't you live up to your name
and go sit on some bald dick.
Lady, lady, lady,
Jay and Silent Bob are at your hizouse.
Holy shit.
Dude, she's so excited to see me, she fainted.
Look at that shit, man. When she wakes up, I'll be like,
"Come, son of Jor-El, kneel before Zod."
♪ Like a monster Now they can see me coming ♪
♪ And I only came to crush 'em ♪
Sleep, big boy, sleep.
♪ Get ready For the main destruction ♪
Holy fuck!
♪ Like a monster ♪
What the fuck is this?
What the fuck are you even doing here, Jay?
I missed you, Boo Boo Kitty Fuck.
Aw, you remembered.
- I missed you too. - Yeah?
Old friend.
Old friend? No, bro.
I'm like a super friend, all right?
A super friend who wants to get back
inside the hall of Justice, yeah.
Uh, okay. Sit down.
Okay.
I'm married, Jay.
Ew, you're fucking married?
- Yeah. - What about us?
Us?
I haven't heard from you in 18 years, Jay.
I mean, you never even came to see me when I was in jail.
Oh, that's because they wouldn't let us fuck.
Is that why you never visited?
Oh, my gosh. And all this time,
I just thought you were mad at me.
Why would I be mad at you, Boo Boo Kitty Fuck?
Because I never told you I had a baby.
Ew, you're someone's fucking mom now?
Yes, you big goof.
And, uh, I thought you'd be upset if you ever found out
who the father is.
Wait, why? Who's the father? Is it Silent Bob?
No, Jay.
It's you.
I have a fucking kid?
We have a kid. A daughter.
I have a girl daughter?
Why the fuck didn't you tell me, man?
We could've been a family this whole time.
A family?
Jay, you're a great guy
and you have a million-dollar heart.
A nickel head, but a million-dollar heart.
All you ever needed in life was Silent Bob and...
...a good bag of weed.
But a baby needs a home and stability.
I'm stable as a table.
Yeah. Right. What... What are you doing in Chicago anyway?
Me and Silent Bob are going to Hollywood
to stop these fuckers from making a movie about us.
Sounds familiar.
Jay, you're a nice guy and you're a lot of fun.
But if I'm being honest here...
uh, I really don't think you're dad material.
But you're here now, so maybe you should meet
the little girl who knocked you out and tied you up.
I've always said her dad took off before she was born,
so she'll have no idea you two are related.
And I want it to stay that way,
so you can never tell her who you really are, okay?
You gotta promise me you won't say anything.
What are you telling me for? He's the one with the big mouth.
Brace yourself. You're about to meet our love child.
Uh, I think I'm gonna need to see a blood test.
Hello.
Mom, I told you to leave these meth heads
tied up until the cops got here.
Okay.
I didn't call the cops
and these guys are not meth heads, okay?
They only look like meth heads because they're from New Jersey.
Boys, this is my daughter, Millennium Falcon.
Dude, like Star Wars.
Milly, these are friends of mine from a long time ago,
a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
I almost killed the older one.
Older one?
So you guys got names or what?
I'm Jay and... I mean...
...I'm Ted Underhill and this is my hetero-lifemate,
Mr. Taint.
Hetero-lifemate, I got one of those.
This is my best friend, Soapy Pia.
Ooh. Como estas, Soapy Penis?
Holy shit. It's Soapy Pia.
Say hi to my mom's
culturally insensitive, horrible
- friends. - Millennium.
♪ Bring me back to you ♪
Dude, this is like watching your favorite movie,
The Quiet Place.
♪ Bring me back to you ♪
♪ You made your way into my life Then you tried to hide ♪
Sorry, it's like watching your second favorite movie,
The Shape of Water. My bad.
♪ Now I kicked you Out of my life ♪
How could you let people this stupid into our house,
let alone my room?
Uh, can they leave now?
Ted and Mr. Taint just wanted to meet you, Milly.
They're just passing through town
on their way to California.
Wait. California?
Uh, yo, meth heads.
Where are you going in California?
Oh, we're going to this stupid convention in Hollywood.
Holy fuck. Are you talking about Chronic-Con?
- Yeah. - Language.
Oh, my God, Reggie's here.
- Who the fuck is Reggie? - My better half.
Okay. I love you.
We'll call you soon as we land in Machu Picchu, okay?
And I left you $200 in the fridge.
Now, say goodbye to Mr. Underhill.
Goodbye forever, Methy Marvin.
It was so cool to meet you.
Okay. Um, I gotta go.
Let's go. I... I got to go.
- I love you. - Love you.
It's fucked up enough I had to meet my kid,
now I got to meet your husband?
Um, you're not meeting my husband.
Jessie.
- Let's go. - Hey.
- You know I hate O'Hare. - Mm.
But first, I...
Who the fuck are these guys?
Boys, this is Reggie Faulken...
my wife.
Wife? Holy shit, you married a lady?
Ooh, a lady. I like him. He's proper.
Reggie, this is Jay of Jay and Silent Bob fame.
♪ I'll be okay ♪
- Oh, my God. This is him? - Yes.
This is Mr. Cum Quick Thumb Dick?
- Shh. - Oh, my God.
I never ever thought I'd get the chance to meet you.
You're like a living legend.
- For what? - All the wrong reasons, bro.
♪ I'm a loser. Hallelujah ♪
♪ But I think I'm gonna be ♪
- Um... - ♪ Okay ♪
...stop by on your way home from Hollywood.
Maybe you and Milly can spend some time together
before you head back to Jersey.
Fuck, man. Last time we were in Chicago,
we couldn't find Sherman, Illinois.
This time, I didn't get laid
because my fucking ex-girlfriend has a wife.
This Windy City can blow me. Let's go.
- ♪ I'm a loser. Hallelujah ♪ - Hello.
I know we only just met,
but I really feel like I know you...
at least enough to ask you a favor.
- You wanna ask me a favor? - Mm-hmm.
Hold on a sec.
Holy fuck, man.
This is my first chance to act like a real dad, Silent Bob.
Okay. What's the favor?
Can you take us to Hollywood with you?
Fuck, no, man!
I can't be bringing private school girls to Hollyweird.
It's a tough-ass neighborhood.
He said no.
Okay. Let's do this the hard way, butt plug.
Either you take us to Hollywood or I stab you both to death
on my own front fucking lawn!
And when the cops come,
I'll tell them it was an act of self-defense
after you tried to break into my house.
The home of Chicago's beloved lesbian weather lady.
I'll get off like a porn star,
and you two will be dead as dodos.
So I suggest you take out your phone,
open your little fucking app,
and order us a car to Hollywood right now!
Oh, you can't just go around threatening people.
Don't tell me what to do. You're not my father.
♪ Why don't you come my way? My way ♪
♪ The doors are unlocked To my place ♪
♪ It's like we all family Anyway... ♪
I don't get it.
Why does the deaf kid get to DJ instead of me?
Because Soapy has great taste in music
and you're a fucking dildo.
What? She doesn't even know what a dildo is probably.
Uh, I have two dildos and a strap-on, so, yeah,
- I do. - What are you, nuts?
You can't say strap-on in public.
Man, you're just a kid.
Are you gonna be this fucking annoying
the entire trip? Because if so...
- smoke some of this shit. - Holy shit, that's weed.
- That's right. - Where'd you get it?
- From her. - Where'd she get it?
Soapy lives on a commune in Oregon where deaf people
grow the best weed in the West.
Deaf people know how to grow weed?
I'm sorry, how old are you?
- Fuck you. How old are you? - I'm 18.
You can't be smoking no weed at 18.
I can. Watch me.
Ow, ow, ow, ow. Don't... You're gonna break it.
- Fuck off my flower. - Ow.
You know what? This is my ride and I'm paying for it, girlie.
So if you don't put that weed away,
I'm gonna kick your narrow ass to the curb.
- Fine. - See? That's better.
All right? You're just a kid.
Why don't you eat some candy or something?
Okay.
- Happy? - Chocolate. That's better.
Way better than weed for a little girl.
- Yeah. You want some? - Shit, yeah. I love sugar.
Hmm.
You guys aren't gonna eat any chocolate?
Oh, no. Um, I smoke my weed, I don't eat it.
Punch Bar?
There's weed in that chocolate?
We... Holy shit. She poisoned us.
It isn't poison, but it is potent.
And you ate, uh, 50 times the recommended dosage.
These old fuckers are gonna die.
Uh, you... You know what? No, no, no. Calm down. Calm down.
You think we can't handle edibles?
You think we can't handle these silly-ass chocolate bars?
You're mistaken.
Can you believe these two? Edibles ain't shit, right?
You got a blunt?
You got weed, brother?
Back out of the club, nigga.
Holy shit, Silent Bob, look, it's Method & Red.
We got visitors.
I'm Jay and this is my hetero-lifemate, Silent Bob.
Silent Bob, huh?
That's kind of hot. That's your rap name?
We came here seeking advice.
Well, look no further.
Me and Red, we got life experience.
Like they say on Reddit. Ask me anything.
Okay, great masters of the green.
I just found out I have a kid
and then that kid roofied us with chocolates.
My advice, if you got a kid that'll get you stoned...
Mm-hmm.
...have another kid just like that one.
- Facts. Facts - Just like that.
The thing is I don't know how to be a father.
I didn't even know my own dad
and I don't know what dads are supposed to do.
Philosophically in a manner of speaking,
being a father does not necessarily make one a dad,
- am I right, Doc? - Guys,
anybody and I mean, anti-body...
- Mm-hmm. - ...with cum...
Gi-gi-gi-gi-gi!
...can be a father.
But only love can make you a dad, you understand me?
Okay. Wait a minute. How you gonna talk
about love and you flinging cum all over the place?
- That shit's unseemly, brah. - Unseemly? God damn it, listen,
- you wanna be a good dad? - Mm-hmm.
Then just think of all the fucked-up shit
your dad did wrong,
'cause... look at you, and do the opposite.
- Feel me? - But I never met my own dad.
But you met your kid.
There you go. See?
You already a better dad than your dad ever was, bruh.
Now, get the fuck out and hit the road.
- Hit the road. - The road.
- The road.
The road.
Whoa, dude.
This isn't Hulu and hump day, dude. Man, what if someone saw?
I saw you.
And I'm putting you on my Instagram,
#whenoldpeoplefuck.
Holy shit, it's a terrorist.
Where? Where? Where's the terrorist?
She's not a terrorist, you fuck.
But ironically her name is Jihad,
so do with that what you will.
As-salamu alaykum.
That sounds like baby talk.
No, that's just talk, baby.
And by baby, I mean oldest man I've ever met.
How old are these fuckers?
I'm pretty sure they were alive during the '90s.
No way. That's before they even built the internet.
Jihad, that was, like, before they built the pyramids.
Jihad? Why does that name sound familiar.
If you fuck with any of us,
I live up to my name and I put you underground, Underhill.
Does every girl carry a knife nowadays?
Well, in a world full of dicks,
knives really help a girl make a point.
And if you had a daughter, wouldn't you want her
- to carry a knife? - Shit yes.
Shit, no, I have a daughter and she scared me
when she pulled a knife on me.
What's this creepy Ring shit?
This is my not creepy friend, Shan Yu, she's from China.
We picked her up in Missouri.
Missouri? Where the fuck are we now?
Just outside New Orleans.
- We're in Connecticut? - It's Louisiana, man, Jesus.
Louisiana? How long was I asleep for?
- Eighteen hours straight. - What?
I told you those edibles were strong.
Dude, why didn't you wake me up?
We'll never make it to Hollywood now.
- What the fuck? - Shan Yu records
every interaction she hears for her podcast,
which she uses to contextualize life in America
for her audience in China.
The podcast is called
The American Entitled and Their First World Problems.
Shan Yu understands English, Mr. Underhill.
She just can't speak it.
Kind of like you actually.
Wait a minute, where the fucks the car at?
Now that there are six of us,
we need a bigger whip than Ride Me Now has,
so we're gonna get a van.
What are you, fucking dumb or something?
How are you gonna get a van in the middle of nowhere?
Thanks to Operation Predator Editor.
Okay, places, everybody, places.
What the fuck is Operation Predator Editor?
This is Operation Predator Editor.
Phase one, Millennium takes naked selfies.
- No, she didn't. - She did.
For phase two, Millennium posts selfies on pedophile website.
- What the fuck? Why? - For phase three,
Millennium tells interested pedophile with van
to meet her here for a free ride.
Free ride?
Oh, nice outfit, man.
Oh, thanks, you like it? Yeah, did you ever see
- Cannonball Run? - No.
- The great Dom DeLuise? - No.
That really fell apart right there.
You're pretty flamboyant for a pedophile.
You pedophile piece of shit.
What the fuck were you thinking
getting in that van with this guy?
I was thinking phase four.
Ted Underhill beats up the pedophile
and we take the van.
♪ Is it my turn to push you... ♪
All right. What if I didn't get to the van in time?
You saw what I can do with a hockey stick.
I know how to handle myself.
Yeah. You grew up in a big house in a rich kid neighborhood
and went to private school.
You have no idea how dangerous people can be.
So true.
In Syria, a boy touched my left nipple
and told everybody I know about that shit.
I said dangerous, man. Not bitch ass boys
who got to second base.
When my brother found out, he tried to smother me
in my sleep with a pillow for shaming my family.
So my mom sent me to America.
You know what, fuck your brother, all right?
If the motherfucker tried to smother me.
I'd kick his ass to Asgard where Thor lives.
- No, Thor lives in my dreams. - Mine too.
Every night after I fall asleep, I fuck Chris Hemsworth.
Holy fuckhole, where did you get such a damn dirty mouth from?
I'd put my damn dirty mouth all over Hemsworth.
Yeah, and I'd be like,
"Give me that Hammer, Odin's son."
Put it in my hands to see if I'm worthy.
- You guys better stop. - Oh, I'd never stop.
I'd fuck Chris Hemsworth until I was Thor.
What?
Hi. Welcome to Mooby's by the moonlight.
- Six cow tippers, please. - We're vegan, bro.
I mean one cow tipper, five milks.
We're vegan, bro.
Jesus, man, just give me something
with no meat, please, fuck!
Can you stop being so fucking creepy?
Hey, Underhill,
how about a little respect for our guest of honor?
Shan Yu is the reason we're doing all this, Mr. Underhill.
What? Operation Predator Editor?
No, jackass, that mission's over.
We're onto the next mission.
Oh, let me see.
- Uh, no. - You know what,
you're pretty ungrateful for someone who needed my help.
Needed your help?
I'm sorry, did you seriously think
we were just hoping for two old men to drop in
and ferry us to Hollywood?
No, we were gonna take my mom's car the second she left.
We've been planning this mission for months, bro.
Holy shit,
you girls are international diamond thieves, aren't youse?
I'm sorry, uh, diamond thieves?
Yeah. When I met your mom,
she told me her and her friends were animal rights activists
and then they wound up being international diamond thieves
who wore cat suits under their clothes.
Any one of you girls wearing cat suits under your clothes?
Um, okay. I don't know anything about that,
but I do know that I'm nothing like my mother.
Holy shit, yes, you are. You're like a rebooted Justice.
I believe he means to say remake.
No, I mean to say reboot, all right?
Someone took all the things I like about your mom,
changed them just enough to make me pay for them all over again,
and added youth and diversity to it.
So this van is not moving until you tell me
why you wanna go to Hollywood so bad.
Fine.
Shan Yu only has a week left on her visa
before her mom takes her back to China forever.
- So? - So, you genital cuff...
her favorite thing in the world
is that old Bluntman and Chronic movie.
Bluntman.
And for years now,
she's been wanting to go to Chronic-Con.
So that's why this mission is so important.
Important enough for a straight A student
to get in a shitload of trouble and blow up her future?
God, you sound like my mother.
Maybe that's because I'm...
Maybe that's because I think your mom's right, okay?
I've done a bunch of stupid shit when I was younger,
but I did it with Si... Mr. Taint here.
Not with a bunch of people I don't know.
- Oh, I know these girls. - How?
How did you meet a deaf girl,
a Muslim who's brother tried to kill her,
and a Chinese girl that I don't even know where she's from,
but she's suspect.
And you're the only normal one of the bunch.
Fuck you, you don't know me.
Uh, I've seen your life, kid,
you got two moms who love you and you grew up in a big house,
you're not fucked up like these girls.
I only know these girls because I'm fucked up just like them.
How? How are you fucked up?
We met in an online support group.
For what?
For girls who have never met their fathers.
We don't know who our dads are.
They all left before we were born.
You know... You know what, well, fuck that, all right?
You don't need a father, I didn't grow up with a dad
- and look, I turned out okay. - No, you didn't.
And if you never really had a dad then you would know
that there is no such thing as okay...
ever...
because you will always be haunted by a question
that you can't answer.
Why didn't you love me enough to stick around?
Well, I knew your dad a little bit
and, you know what, you're better off without him.
Guy's a piece of shit.
Holy shit, someone's on the roof.
Merkin, what the fuck are you doing?
Hater Totz filled with hate!
Hate!
You got me arrested with your grass, man.
And you gave me zero tip,
leave me these horrible reviews. What is this?
"Fuck your frozen food dreams." That is personal and mean.
To me! "Do you even know what a merkin is?"
Very funny, yes, I do. It's a pube toupee.
"Sit on some bald dick." Who wrote that?
Who's the fucker who wrote that?
Do you think that's funny? I am done losing at life.
Fuck you guys, the two of you. No one is gonna make
Todd Merkinsky look like an asshole ever again!
Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep...
Hey!
We got a runner, we got a runner!
Phase four, ditch old gay guys. What the fuck?
We should still steal Merkin's car.
We've been driving around for hours, Silent Bob.
Where the fuck did they go?
Bro, are you serious? You can't take a shit now.
We have to find the girls.
We need a fucking light.
Oh, man, it's the fucking Klan!
Dude, they ruin everything. You distract these racist fucks,
while I hotbox them with some berserker.
Peekaboo!
We always have a good time with that, don't we?
Speaking of good times,
if you stick around till the end,
we're gonna be serving Hater Totz!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Hater Totz! Who doesn't love Hater Totz? All right. Okay.
Look what we found trespassing in our backyard.
And you know what happens to trespassers, right?
Can you dig it?
Oh, yeah.
- Can you dig it? - Yeah.
Can you dig it?
Yeah!
I'm digging it.
Let me have your attention for a moment.
You're talking about what?
You're talking about... You're bitching about what?
- Are they all here? - Hey!
- Who the fuck are you? - I'm going anyway.
Let's talk about something important.
Put that pitchfork down.
Pitchforks are for Klansmen only.
Where the fuck did you come from?
I come from downtown.
I'm here for Mitch and Murray.
And I'm here on a mission of mercy.
- Your name's Legree? - Yeah.
You call yourself a Klansman, you son of a bitch?
We don't got to listen to this shit.
You certainly don't, pal.
Because the good news is, you're fired.
The bad news is you've got, all you got, just one week
to regain your jobs. Starting with tonight.
Starting with tonight's shit.
Mister, what's your name?
Fuck you, that's my name.
A, B, D. A: Always, B: Be, D: Ducking.
Always Be Ducking. Always Be ducking.
All right, fuck face. I'll bite. Ducking what?
- Kill these racist fucks! - Hold on!
Now who's stupid, you dirty sheepfucker?
Who in the fuck are Mitch and Murray?
Holy shit. We made it.
No, we made it.
You slept.
You know, I got to thank you, Mr. Underhill.
Not for just saving our asses last night, but...
for helping us get here.
Technically, you forced me to help.
Yeah, but for a good cause.
Well, if your dreams came true it was all worth it.
Uh, going to Chronic-Con is Shan Yu's dream.
My dream is a little tougher to make happen.
It's stupid, especially because you said
the guy's a piece of shit. But, um...
I've always dreamed of meeting my dad.
Just hanging out.
Nothing monumental.
Just drinking coffee together or something, like...
talk to me like he was my dad...
teaching me dad stuff.
That's really embarrassing. It probably sounds like
the dumbest thing anyone has ever said out loud.
Oh, I got something that nobody knows.
God looks exactly like Alanis Morissette.
I stand corrected.
♪ Such pretty face ♪
♪ Nice to wake up Next to you and know ♪
♪ It's a clear, clear case ♪
♪ Of love and I'm falling hard ♪
♪ Oh, don't you know You got to stay ♪
♪ Stay with me 'Til the morning, honey ♪
♪ 'Cause good night, would ♪
♪ Never make me feel As good as "good morning" ♪
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
♪ Tell me good morning ♪
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
Why are you dressed like all these people?
All these people are dressed like us.
♪ So, I wanna make it last ♪
♪ I wanna see the sunrise With you, hold your hand ♪
♪ Get lost in your eyes ♪
♪ And kiss your sweet Sweet smile ♪
♪ Lights up your face Like an angel ♪
Happy Chronic-Con! Oh!
Love the fucking cosplay, you guys. Yes!
Silent Jay, I dig it.
Hello, everyone, my name is Kuish.
You little kids looking to mainline some of that...
That sweet ass, that bomb ass dank Bluntman and Chronic merch?
Because we got Bluntman and Chronic Funko Pops.
We got Bluntman and Chronic action figures.
Did your mommy or daddy just die?
We got a Bluntman and Chronic urn.
Smoke 'em up, put them in.
Or check this out, go ahead and show your pride
with our exclusive and inclusive
B and C LGBTQ...
tee. Check it out.
♪ I'll make you feel better than Any other guy in the world ♪
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
♪ Oh, tell me good morning ♪
Good day. Chris Hemsworth and, uh, I've been paid to...
To welcome you to the tenth Annual Hollywood Chronic-Con.
Yay. Welcome. Uh, now, full disclosure.
I'm not the real Chris Hemsworth.
I'm only a hologram, as you can see.
So, uh, feel free to take selfies
with my holographic image. Um, but, please,
and I can't even believe I have to fucking say this,
but please do not hump the hologram.
All right? Or you'll burn your dick off or whatever it is
that you're thrusting into the hologram.
So don't do it. Do not fellate the hologram either, you know?
You might burn your mouth off.
And... And please don't record yourself having conversations
with the holographic version of me as if you're talking to me
saying things like, "Oh, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna hump you until you're Thor." You know?
Only my wife is allowed to objectify me like that.
And I have no choice in that. But I have a choice in this.
So don't do it.
Now, if you're looking for
all the big celebrity guest panels, go left.
Uh, if you wanna be an extra
in the new Bluntman movie, go right.
But whichever way you go, uh, hope you have fun
at this year's Chronic-Con. Because you're Hems-worth it.
Trademark, Chris Hemsworth.
Oh. We came a long way.
Let's do this.
Yo!
Where the fuck are you going?
Uh, we came to Hollywood so Shan Yu could be an extra
in that stupid Bluntman reboot. And that is this way.
And we came to Hollywood
to stop this stupid reboot from happening.
And all the famous people are this way.
Stop the reboot? Why?
It's a long story, but it ends with us
kicking the shit out of Kevin James.
Fuck Kevin James. Kevin can wait.
What we're doing is really important.
Uh, us stopping the movie is the most important thing
we're ever gonna do... again.
Look, I have risked everything to come here...
but it will be all be worth it
if Shan Yu can be in that reboot.
So I guess...
I guess this is goodbye.
No. Wait a... Wait a minute.
This, um...
This is my legacy right here, it's the last one
in the whole world...
and I want you to have it to remember me by.
But when you smoke it
you're not gonna remember shit, so...
save it for a special occasion.
Um...
I don't know a lot of stuff, okay? But...
I do know this...
you're a great fucking kid and some asshole
really missed out on being your dad.
Thanks.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are your badges?
Nobody gets in, as the French say... sans badge.
Come on, you security dick, what's the big deal anyway?
Security dick?
The big deal is we got America's most precious resources
behind these doors.
Actors, actresses, directors, podcasters,
they make us laugh, they make us cry,
they show us ourselves.
And it's my job not only to keep them safe
from their greasiest nut bar fans
with the hammers of justice,
but also to meet every one
of their borderline infantile needs.
Hey, security dick.
Oh.
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead's Keith Coogan.
It's just Keith.
Thanks, that's really hard to say.
The candy buffet ran out of Swedish Fish.
So I guess...
...wait for it.
The fishes are done, man.
- Right? - Yeah.
Hilarious.
I have a question for the real Jay and Silent Bob.
All right, this reboot is bullshit.
Bullshit, what do you guys think about this reboot?
I got... I got this one.
Yeah, um, it sucks.
There, I said it. Are you happy now, TMZ?
Dude, TMZ's not even here.
And who's directing this shit anyway, Kevin fucking Smith?
Are you fucking kidding me? This movie is doomed.
It is... I was in Jersey Girl, okay,
- destroyed my career. - Yup.
Bluntman and Chronic was a cult classic, okay,
it doesn't need a Kevin Smith remake.
Reboot.
How are you not pissed off, huh?
Kevin Smith is literally shitting
in the mouth of the original movie.
I think the movie is gonna be great.
Why are you sucking the reboot's dick?
They're not gonna put you in it, all right.
They're never gonna call you, Diplo.
- Listen, buttfucker. - Van Der Bitch.
Ooh, he called him Van Der Bitch.
Interlopers.
Shit!
Of all said words, with tongue or pen, the saddest of these,
they cancelled Comic Book Men.
Look at these morose motherfuckers right here.
Smells like somebody shit in their cereal. Bong.
Holy fuck,
they got you mixed up in this reboot shit, too?
You sound like my agent.
What are you two dirt merchants doing in this neck of Hollywood?
Oh, I'll tell you what our necks are doing in Holly's wood.
We're here to stop that fuckin' reboot from happening,
so take us to Kevin James.
First of all, hi.
Nice to see you.
Been years, oh.
Nice to see you.
Good to see that one of you at least is taking his age
and his health seriously.
Hey, what's with all the wires?
Are you trying to destroy the stage?
Oh, just finished recording a live episode of my podcast.
Holy fuck, you got a podcast, too?
Is it to contextualize life in America
- for your audience in China? - What?
No, I interview people in the funny book biz.
Since this is my first Chronic-Con as guest of honor,
it's time I got someone else to interview me.
Who? Banky fucking Edwards?
Not Banky fucking Edwards.
Alyssa fucking Jones.
It's fucking Finger-Cuffs.
Oh, my God.
Wait, what's so funny?
Remember Chasing Amy, the classy book I did
after Bluntman and Chronic that won me all the awards?
Anyway, Alyssa's turning that book into a series for Netflix.
It was always a story that should have been told
from a queer perspective or a woman's perspective
or any perspective other than a cis white man's.
Anyway we're laughing because Netflix wants
an edgier title than Chasing Amy,
one of their suggestions was Finger-Cuffs.
You should text them a picture
of these two juggle heads, and say they love your title.
Who are they? Harold and Kumar?
What? No. This is the actual Jay and Silent Bob.
- What? - Yeah.
Me and Banky used to buy weed off these guys at Quik Stop.
That's where I got the idea for Bluntman and Chronic.
Then the quiet one gave me the title idea for Chasing Amy.
Come to think of it, you motherfuckers
pay off like slot machines.
Save some new shit for me to steal.
There you are.
- Hey, hon. - Hey.
- Hey, Holden. Great panel. - Hey.
Um, she's looking for you, again.
- Already? - Yes.
- I'm off to release the Kraken. - Sorry.
"Release the Kraken," what is that,
a sex thing between married people?
Are you even remotely familiar with the story of Chasing Amy?
You're in it. I know it's a lot of words, but fuck.
No, she's gay, bro.
Okay, obviously Alyssa and I aren't married,
married people don't like each other. We're co-parents.
- Wait a second, you have a kid? - Yeah.
Alyssa and her partner wanted to have a baby
and since we've known each other and, more importantly,
liked each other for 20 years, they asked me to be the father.
Yes, you got to hit that shit again, son?
I can see you've matured well.
No, I got to hit the doctor's office
where I filled a cup.
We went in-vitro. Science, bro.
You know, a year later I met a girl who loves me.
Who loves me.
She wants to know who Daddy's talking to.
Hi, little pink sugar heart.
Say hi to Daddy's friends.
Daddy's known these boys since he was little.
Boys, this is our daughter, Amy.
Dude, just like that story you tell.
Say hello to Jay and Silent Bob.
Hi, Jay and Silent Bob.
Hi.
Whoop.
So you got her? We're gonna go grab a smoke
and check out the cosplay.
Okay. Have fun, thanks for the interview.
So what do you think, kiddo?
Do you like these stinky old fools?
Mm-hmm.
Dude, how did something so amazing
come from your funny book making balls?
Well, it's a mystery to me, too, G.
I'm a huge fan of the kid.
Bluntman's getting a reboot, Netflix is making Amy.
People hate the present so much,
it's like they wanna retreat into the past.
All of a sudden all my old bullshit is back.
And some of that old bullshit meant the world to me
when I was starting out.
But now that all my childhood dreams
are starting to come true,
I mean, it's nice, don't get me wrong...
that kid is just way more interesting to me.
I used to think life was all about me,
I was the hero of my own story.
A Bruce Wayne of one life-long issue
of Detective Comics, so to speak.
And then that kid came along and suddenly you realize...
you're not Bruce Wayne anymore.
You're Thomas Wayne
or Bruce Wayne's mom, whose name escapes me.
♪ Stay, and don't you ever Run away... ♪
Anyway, I'm just here to set the real story in motion.
Because once you become a parent,
you're not the star anymore. You're the stage.
I'm just here to prop up my kid so she can put on
the show of her life, like my parents did for me,
like theirs did before them.
And if you're lucky enough to have a kid,
the tradeoff is you don't really get a third act to your story,
because the story changes.
All of a sudden it's not about you anymore...
for the first time in your self-involved life...
that's okay.
Kids are like our reboots,
another chance to tell a brand-new version
of the same old story.
I know I'm supposed to be teaching Amy stuff,
but it's like I'm learning from her every day.
So, spend my days chasing Amy...
so to speak.
♪ Stay with me ♪
Look. I know I dragged us all the way to Hollywood
to stop this fucking reboot from happening,
but I haven't been there for Milly
her whole fucking life, Silent Bob.
Sorry. Who's Milly?
And we came to get our names back,
but I have a new fucking name, Silent Bob,
and it's fucking Dad, okay?
And that will be the only name I ever need again.
Yo, Bluntboy, you think you can get us in the reboot shoot
in the ballroom?
I'm guest of honor, bro.
Thanks, bro.
- They're gone, girl. - Where?
They're on the town. It's just us.
We're the Just Us League.
What are you looking at me like that for?
You're like, "Oh, go fuck yourself."
Okay, Shan Yu. This is it.
Your dream is about to come true.
VIP, out of the way, out of the way.
Watch your beard, man.
Okay, everybody. Everybody, listen up.
We can't take any more extras.
Get out of here.
Uh, no. We're... We're next.
You... No, you're not. Okay? Sign in is done.
Well, I'm not done, motherfucker.
Did you not hear that? Get out of here.
I'm done today and you're done today.
Yo.
If we can't stop this reboot,
we might as well watch this reboot.
Get your VIP badges right here.
One, two, three, four...
I've never been on a movie set before.
Oh, we have. And movie people are dicks, especially directors.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the director of Bluntman v Chronic, Kevin Smith.
♪ Everybody spot a spliff for the legend Kevin Smith ♪
Hey!
Oh, my God, man. Thank you for fucking being here.
Number one, happy Chronic-Con, everybody.
I don't know if anybody knows this,
but last year, I had a heart attack.
So, what I did was cast the movie
with a bunch of people who were sad that I almost died.
I guilted the cast...
...into joining the movie. So, you know, SAG should give us
award for the guiltiest fucking cast, man.
I hate this guy.
He forces his kid to be in everything he makes.
Right now it's just an idea in your heads,
"Ooh, what can this movie be?"
Fuck ideas. I'm from Hollywood. That's what we say and shit.
So, what I'm gonna do,
we're gonna show you an actual clip from the movie,
Bluntman v Chronic right now, man.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bluntman v Chronic.
Check this shit out.
Woo!
Bluntman!
Holy fuck.
Oh, you're mad at me?
Lemme be blunt, man.
I liked you better when you were silent, Bob.
If you really wanna V, I'm ready to blast your ass
and kick you in the hater tots.
Merkin was right, dude. "Hater Totz" does mean
different things to different people.
Oh, indica. You son of a bitch.
Smells like this reboot went up in smoke.
- Alfred. - Hi, man.
Sorry to How High, dude,
but this is now the greatest movie ever made.
When you said you wanted to V, you meant vaping?
I thought the V was for versus.
- Stoners don't fight, man. - No.
'Cause when you're baked,
you finally see all the important details, you know?
You know what I never noticed before?
This place is, like... It's huge.
But, like, size is, like, relative, man, you know.
You know, it's like little dogs.
They don't know they're little.
That's why they always start shit with big dogs.
They don't get size, man.
Yeah. You know what else they don't get? Money.
Try explaining money to a dog.
I have. It just looked at me like, "Oh?"
I gave a dog a 20-dollar bill once, man. It didn't work out.
Hey, is this one of those comic book movies, man?
Oh, am I in Black Panther?
Oh, fuck.
Genius!
Wow fucking wow.
Give that man an Oscar.
And that's just a taste, ladies and gentlemen.
That's a soupçon.
Okay, the scene that we're gonna shoot here today,
right now, is the invasion of Chronic-Con, man.
So, give it up for the contemptible
Cock Knocker Cockmandos, ladies and gentlemen.
Look at that shit. We spent so much money
on those costumes it's fucking crazy.
So, the cast is fucking huge.
I'm still thinking about putting my friend,
Jason Mewes, in it and shit.
And the jury is out on whether I put my kid in it.
She's an actress now.
But I don't believe in nepotism so I might leave her out of it.
Man, she can earn her own fucking keep in Hollywood.
- Just so I can... - What the fuck are you doing?
He kind of looks like the director.
...is gonna be in the actual picture.
My bad, I forgot to say spoilers.
No way, man. That guy wears jorts.
This guy would never wear jorts.
- What the fuck are jorts? - Jean shorts.
That was our goal...
You stay here. Wait for my signal.
That's possible.
You, come with me.
...with the walrus movie,
but look at that. Before we get started,
I have to go backstage
and take care of some very important
director-type things.
But as soon as I get back, man,
we're gonna make some movie magic together,
ladies and gentlemen. Yes, movie magic!
Where is my smoking jacket?
Did you see that crowd out there, Mike?
Fuck, man. We're back, bitch. Fuck Cop Out.
Thank you, my friend.
Mm, life is good.
Life is good and I'm now alone and finally...
Mm.
Hey!
Sleep, sleep, sleep.
Where's this signal at?
I need to talk to him.
- He is occupied. - Who are you?
He told me to tell you...
He told you what?
- Those girls and that old man. - He told you?
So...
the director stopped speaking to me. Yeah.
I'm the first AD.
Right, so this whole thing has gone off the rails.
This is a shitshow, worse than House Party 4.
Trust me when I say that.
But he told some little girl who I've never met before
to tell me to tell you that he would like all of you diverse
and interesting young children to get on stage with him today
and do this scene.
Hello, everybody.
I'm here because Kevin Smith lost his voice.
Oh. But he asked me to tell you to welcome to the stage
all the way from China, Bluntman superfan, Shan Yu.
Woo!
Come on. Come on.
Oh, holy shit. That girl just pulled a gun on Kevin Smith.
'Cause she probably paid to see Yoga Hosers.
That's not Kevin Smith.
Fist him.
Oh, shit.
The guy that's not Kevin Smith just got fisted.
And he didn't even use lubricant.
Throw that trash into the garbage.
Commence collusion.
So the fake Cock Knockers are the real bad guys.
Fuck, this movie's hard to keep straight.
What are you doing, Shan Yu?
Is it not as clear as vodka?
I'm not teenager from China.
I am secret agent from Russia.
One of them was wearing a cat suit, I fucking knew it.
He smells American too.
Russia's infiltrated American banks,
we have infiltrated American elections,
and now, thanks to you...
we infiltrate American pop culture conventions.
Why?
Take out your mobile devices
and broadcast this historic moment
to the rest of the world.
What if you only have a flip phone?
People of America...
I come in peace, but director of Jersey Girl...
Holy fuck!
Ow.
He will soon go to pieces when I execute him live on internet.
Is this because I'm a proud jorts wearer?
This because you're standard issue,
overrated American pop culture celebrity
who repeats himself artistically,
if what you do can even be called art,
and clings desperately to past glory of 1990s.
You've been talking to my wife.
I'm not gonna let you do this, Shan Yu.
But you helped me do this, Millennium.
I catfish you and your friends
so I can harness the liberal sympathies
of broken young women
who hoped to fill the deep emotional void left by...
a sibling who tries to kill you...
or the solitude of silence...
or worsen your privileged life crying about the father
who left you before you were even born.
Ooh, sick fucking burn, man. I'll shut up.
Maybe her dad didn't leave her.
What he say?
Maybe her dad didn't even know
he had a kid until the other day.
What are you saying?
Jesus, for a private school girl,
you're pretty fucking stupid. I'm your father.
Oh, God. Wait.
- No way. No... No fucking way. - Yes fucking way.
But I only found out the day we came to Chicago
and I wanted to tell you the whole trip,
but I promised your mom I wouldn't.
But I'm telling you now, because, sometimes,
breaking a promise is the right fucking thing to do, all right?
Because if I kept every promise I ever made,
you wouldn't be here,
because this one time,
I made a promise to your mom that I wouldn't cum in her.
- What the fuck, man! - Look, I'm sorry, all right?
I was only stalling so I could get closer
to the guy with the big-ass gun, now!
Yes!
Here comes... ***
This fucker's fake, dude.
Why would it be real?
No!
Don't any of you cosplaying cocks have some
- real fucking guns? What the... - I sees him...
- Let him go! - Nyet.
Before we execute Kevin Smith...
Fuck.
...first, we execute this old degenerate.
- No! - Old? Man, fuck you!
I give big daddy a moment to offer his newfound daughter
any last heartfelt words before we stop his heart.
Kid, I'm okay with dying right now,
because I know a small piece of me is gonna live on in you.
Not if they fucking kill me too, you idiot.
Holy shit, you're right. Somebody save me!
What was that?
Ooh, you made him mad, he's mad now!
- What is that, Ted Underhill? - I am not Ted Underhill.
Oh, fuck. He's got a secret identity.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Jay...
...and this is my hetero-lifemate...
Iron Bob!
It's Robert Downey, Jr.
- What? - Oh, Marvel gonna sue somebody.
Shoot the tin man.
Shoot! keep shooting!
Dasvidaniya!
Yeah, Iron Bob!
For Mother Russia! Ow!
We know that guy.
Holy fuck! I can't wait until they make him a Funko Pop.
Oh, my God, he just spoke fucking Valyrian!
I'll fuck anything that moves!
Eject!
Holy shit, this shit's fucking bananas!
Go! Hadouken!
Man, I smell some fucking good weed,
that's some of that dank-ass shit,
knock a motherfucker out just like that. Like I said...
Oh, shit. I've been drugged.
That's strong shit.
Hey, little girl. Can I buy some weed from you?
I'm busy.
My precious podcasting ears!
- Fuck! - It hurts, Yes?
That's because this is not a podcast recording device.
It is KGB sonic disrupter.
You suck!
Fuck, yeah!
Let's get aggressive, girls.
Fuck.
That joint you gave me really came in handy.
Whatever you do, don't tell your mom I gave you weed.
Oh, my God, I fucking love this reboot. Oh, shit.
All right.
So right about now, man, we finished up
all three acts of the story, all the main characters
are where they need to be...
all that's left is the emotional denouement.
In order to get there,
maybe I'll start a slow dissolve right about now.
So now what do we do?
I wanted to talk to you about that.
Um...
I've never had a kid before.
It's okay, I never had a dad before.
Yeah, but the thing is...
Is I don't know if I'm ready to be somebody's dad.
Save it, old man. I... I get it.
Like I was saying,
I don't know if I'm ready to be somebody's dad,
so I wanna practice.
And so I figured, why not start off with a dream I always had
of drinking coffee with my kid
and teaching her stuff that she doesn't already know.
Like dad stuff.
Okay?
Okay. I've hung out in front of this store
almost my whole life. My advice, don't do that.
Not for a while.
First, find a best friend
you can have a whole lot of adventures with.
But pick a good listener,
someone that always has your back
even when he's standing right next to you.
♪ Young girl ♪
♪ Violins ♪
♪ Center of her own attention ♪
♪ The mother reads aloud Child tries to understand it ♪
♪ Tries to make her proud ♪
♪ The shades go... ♪
But don't worry about fucking up in life, okay?
Silent Bob always says, "Failure is success training."
How come you aren't the most successful man in the world?
I am today.
♪ Don't call me daughter Not fit to, not fit too... ♪
All right, enough of that mushy stuff.
Um, we have a whole lot of catching up to do, kiddo.
- Alright. You ready? - Let's do it, Dad.
Okay. So, one time me and Silent Bob went
to this mall, right? And then, a couple of years later,
we fought these renegade angels and met God herself.
And even though me and Silent Bob saved the world,
all these Catholics got pissed off at us anyway.
Fuck them if they can't take a joke.
Snoogans.
Oh, my God, you're learning, snooge.
All right. Anyways, after all that angel stuff,
me and Silent Bob went to Hollywood.
That was the first time we went to Hollywood
where we met your mom and a monkey named Suzanne.
Yeah. She still sends us Christmas cards every year.
My mom?
No, the monkey. Oh, and then the Quik Stop burned down,
which is right around the time me and Silent Bob went to rehab.
Why'd you guys go to rehab?
We got caught driving around with deployed airbags.
♪ Not fit to ♪
♪ The picture kept Will remind me ♪
♪ Don't call me daughter Not fit to be ♪
♪ The picture kept Will remind me ♪
♪ Don't call me ♪
♪ Drinkin' blunts, smoking 40's Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪
♪ That's what this kid Does for fun ♪
♪ Pour some smoke Into that cup ♪
♪ Drinkin' blunts, smokin' 40's Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪
♪ That's what this kid Does for fun ♪
♪ Pour some smoke Into that cup ♪
♪ Like this beat And how it bounces ♪
♪ Don't smoke trees We smoke tree houses ♪
♪ Break them bushes Shred them shrubs ♪
♪ Can't match the passion Well, I match these nubs ♪
♪ Wreck them trees Like Iron Giant ♪
♪ Taco Bell is where My time went ♪
♪ Would you like A fiesta bowl? ♪
♪ Christopher wants A siesta bowl ♪
♪ Low rider liked it 'Cause it bounces up ♪
♪ Now roll that window Like a basket bruh ♪
♪ Hey snickerin' clown Put your licorice down ♪
♪ It's just like a joint But it's bigger and brown ♪
♪ It's a blunt, but yo We don't smoke them ♪
♪ We soak them With our 40's open ♪
♪ Actin' loopy in our hooptie ♪
♪ Sippin' on our doobie smoothie ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪ - ♪ That's right, y'all ♪
♪ Smoothies with weed in them ♪
♪ Drinkin' blunts, smoking 40's Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪
♪ That's what this kid Does for fun ♪
♪ Pour some smoke Into that cup ♪
♪ Drinkin' blunts, smokin' 40's Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪
♪ That's what this kid Does for fun ♪
♪ Pour some smoke Into that cup ♪
♪ 40 shorty suck a titty It ain't pretty in Cloud City ♪
♪ Billy D and 45, pour that shit And watch it rise ♪
♪ Christopher B is sayin' What's in this? ♪
♪ Christopher Lee is drinkin' Old English ♪
♪ Budweiser, St. Ives, MGD And a Billy Valentines ♪
♪ Turn it counterclockwise bring The weed if you're holdin' ♪
♪ Ain't heard me girl You put a shit in a cold... ♪
Holy shit, dude. She uses Jaws
as a unit of measurement, just like us.
Stars are similar to Jay and Silent Bob,
aren't they?
Um, I love watching the... The work, you go,
"Oh, fuck, I stranded myself. How do I not say 'us, '
anything but 'us, ' if I say 'us' they'll kill me."
It's called Jay and Silent Bob Reboot,
and you're a huge character...
- Wonderful. - ...in the whole thing.
- Oh, great, I can't wait. - So, we're...
I'm... I'm put... Doing it here,
- so, you have to... - Right.
...agree to do the movie.
Can't we do a little of it now and stop wasting time?
- Go to that place. - All right. Here we go.
- Action. - Action.
Hey, fella...
You already broke character, Lee.
What the hell? We're burning film, man.
Hey, fella.
How do I get to...
How do I get to Comic-Con?
This is why I only cast you in one movie,
you can't get through a line without laughing at me.
No, but we got to be serious... This is a serious thing.
Here we go. And take two. And action.
Hey, fella. How do I get to Comic-Con?
- Well, then respond. - Silent Bob.
Oh, you don't talk?
- That's the smart thing. - Get the hell out of my scene
and get me Jay.
How High is our Bible, man. Me and Silent Bob modeled
our whole fucking lives after Silas and Jamal.
I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy, and lean n mean here
is my botanical BFF. What? Ooh, popcorn playa.
This affidavit is from a Hollywood
- motion picture company. - Hollywood, Florida?
Hollywood, California.
Oh, that one?
Two tickets to Hollywood.
- Hollywood, Florida? - No, Hollywood, California.
Oh.
Says here you're supposed to go to Hollywood?
You mean Hollywood, Florida?
No. Hollywood, California.
Jay and Silent Bob, uh, spent so much time on themselves
that they should pay us rent.
I knew I'd get you.
Why are you prosecuting? You should be a stand-up.
I have a show this weekend.
- I'll definitely come out. - Okay, great. I'm gonna...
- I'll text you later. - Can I object?
Ooh, my daughter, Banner, she's fighting with Renee
and keeps sending the most delicious texts.
Listen. "Dear Sega Boy." Snoogans.
"How am I supposed to grow as a woman when Mom is always
standing on my fucking dick?"
- Wait, your daughter has a dick? - No.
But she sure can be one to her mom and I love it.
You see, kids, teenagers are like The Incredible Hulk.
Normal one minute, a rage of emotions the next.
You'll see one day when one of you guys has a kid.
Probably the quiet one.
Shit. No female swipes right on Groot here.
And I was always so worried that I would get a female pregnant.
When I did have sex, I'd pull out,
run to the other side of the room,
and I bust a nut in my jacket pocket,
just to be safe.
How High is the greatest movie ever made.
Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives after it.
Okay, wait a minute. Are we...
Are we talking about the same How High here? The movie?
The one we're in?
Yeah, the one we was in, goddammit.
See? I told your black ass
that How High would age like a fine Chablis.
Uh-huh, I'm not a pedophile. I'm here on the behalf
of a man you might know, Mr. J-E-S-E-S, Jesus.
I'm a Christian vigilante, they call me the Holy Roller.
Super cool.
This guy's a fucking idiot.
Who's been our ally this entire trip.
Especially when he saved our lives.
This conversation really does not pass
the Bechdel Test right now.
Holy shit, dude, it's them. They're here.
Jersey represent.
Wait, you don't recognize us?
You almost beat me up when I was a kid,
because I said an unkind word about Morris Day.
That's you guys?
What, do you guys work here or something?
Dude, we're the Kush Boys.
Dude, like, you own all this stuff.
Yeah, we took a page out of your book.
We stopped buying weed,
started selling that shit instead.
Hey, thanks to you guys, we are financially thriving
- in the cannabis space. - We're weed millionaires.
So that means we get some free weed?
- Fuck, no. - No, that will be 200 bucks.
Dude, I've always wanted to do this.
"Two hundred bucks, little man."
"Put that shit in our hands."
Fair enough.
Dude, there is more lens flare
than a J.J. Abrams movie in here.
I hate all of these fuckers.
Hi.
Um, can my friends and I cut the line?
- Fuck no. - Yeah, what she said.
Happy Chronic-Con.
How's The Walking Dead gonna end?
Oh, um, Carol actually eats Daryl?
Fuck. No... Carol turns into a walker?
Uh, no. She just eats Daryl.
Oh, fuck. Uh, spoilers,
I'm really sorry about that one.
Fuck! What the fuck was that for?
That's for killing Glenn and Carl!
Oh, fuck. Fair enough.
This reboot is doomed, man.
Maybe it would've had a chance
if they got Kevin Smith from the '90s,
back when he had the juice to get Affleck in his movies.
Ew, wait. Didn't he make that Jersey Girl movie?
Yeah, I wasn't a fan,
but Affleck was the bomb as Batman, yo.
Word, bitch! Bat-fleck like a motherfucker!
Ah ha! What's up now?
Oh, hello again. Still just a hologram, same rules apply.
Don't fucking touch me. Now, if you're looking
for the Bluntman v Chronic shoot, go left.
But if you're looking for, uh, I don't know, some version
of completing your character arc and becoming the superdad
that your daughter never really knew she had, go right.
If I was in this movie, um, I know which way I'd go.
Straight out the door.
Let's be honest, I wouldn't be in this movie,
I'd never be in this fucking movie.
I got, like, 37 franchises
and honestly, I don't really need another one.
Anyway, dishes are done, man. Here we go, bye-bye. Peace.
Where do you think you're going?
Yo, we got badges now.
"We have badges." Stop butchering the English language.
And I don't care. You're getting the bum's rush.
Wait. Are you a chocolate fan?
Not that it'll change your fortunes one iota,
but since I'm not a Nazi robot, yes, I like chocolate.
Well, this is the best chocolate in the whole wide world.
Bullshit.
Give me that.
Punch, edible's...
Holy fucking shit.
Where did these people come from?
Hey, kids! What the fuck is going on here?
They're the contest winners.
Their prize is a walk-on in the movie.
- This movie? - Yeah.
They should have held out for a way better movie,
- am I right? - I totally agree.
Man, fuck you.
Hey, kids! Man, I'm gonna find a way to get you all
into an uncuttable cameo in the movie, man.
All right. Emily, fuck off! We're trying to take a picture.
All right, kids. All smiles, big, wide eyes. Here we go.
Excuse me. Hey, kid!
You ruined my fucking movie career,
- you know that? - Um, I've seen
your flicks, Smitticles.
You killed your own movie career.
Oh, my God, you little monster. Who raised you?
I'm so done with Kevin Smith.
Fuck.
Oh, you see that guy over there?
For 25 years, we've been coming here every night
and putting gum in the locks.